Pat Clements

I finally decided it’s time, after all the blood sweat and tears at the local, state and national level to turn things around.  Are you tired of them adding seconds to your trip?  Are you tired of looking at their skinny butts all enjoying themselves, smiling, taking in the world so vigorously?  I’m going to explain how to live in a community that’s bicycle-free!
1.  Choose a place where no one wants to go.  Find some where ugly.  Bicyclists usually like beautiful places to ride.
2.  Live in a place with high speed limits – a place where you’d never want to raise small children or pets.  You may have trouble getting out of your driveway, but it’s OK – your car has a fine roll cage that will protect you from being killed pulling out.
3.  Find a place where psychopaths live – they’ll surely scare bicyclists away with their careless disregard towards the well-being of others, including bicyclists. 
4.  You’ll want a place where there’s little sense of community.  Bicyclists enjoy interacting with other people.  They’re constantly interested in making their community better.  They’re passing through communities, keeping an eye on their neighbors.  Think “meth lab” – bicyclists won’t live here.
5.  Live in a place that is on the way to nowhere.  Bicyclists are alwayson the way somewhere.  They like to be passing through.  Most of the time they don’t like to pass back over the same territory.
6.  Life in a place where the justice system favors those who run over and kill bicyclists.  Tennessee is pretty good.  Think about it – if you want to txt while driving and you accidentally run over a bicyclist, you certainly don’t want to accept any blame.  They ARE at fault for being on the road with CARS.
7.  Find a place where people are fat – they have fewer people riding bikes.  Again, Tennessee is pretty good.
If all else fails, you can always try to accept bicyclists as a sign of a great place to live, a place where people embrace health and community, a place where people watch out for one another.  If not, please use this guide to find a place to go.  Away from me.